I randomly decided the other day that instead of hitting my usual Starbucks locale for my daily caffeine fix, I would pop in to a locally owned coffee shop just a few blocks from my house. It's the kind of place where regular patrons congregate each morning to wax political over their cappuccinos as their dogs throw their own early morning doggie party on the sidewalk. I stepped over a yellow lab sprawled across the doorway and tried to pretend I come here all the time too, because after all this is my 'hood - shocking as it may be considering I'm female AND straight.
Fielding glares from some rather territorial-looking regulars, I walked up to the counter where a barista who looked like he hadn't smiled in weeks gave me a quick look-up-and-down, as one might any tourist in the wrong part of town. I instinctively spouted off my coffee order, which to my horror came out as: "Grande vanilla latte, please."
The shrieking of the milk steamer immediately stopped, the emo music that was playing in the background fell silent, all politically-soused conversation stopped midstream, and the dogs ceased their yapping and turned to look - I think I actually heard a Chihuahua let out a tiny gasp.
I felt like somebody who had wandered into a vegan restaurant and ordered a hamburger. Not only was I fully exposed as a tourist, but an ignorant one at that. Like the tourists in London who, try as they may to blend, will attempt to pronounce "Leicester Square" and butcher the hell out it - at which point there’s simply no saving themselves from inevitable ridicule.
I wanted to explain that I've been frequenting the Starbucks across the street from work for about four months - primarily for the convenience factor of it, mind you - which is why I've fallen a brainwashed victim to their trendy little euro-chic lingo, like "grande" and "venti". But really, I do support the locally owned shops in my community, and I'm against corporate monopolization of the market, and I swear to God I don't shop at Wal-Mart, and I support free trade and all that, really, I do.
Then I think, why do I have to be apologetic? Starbucks started on the ground level just like you elitist snobs, and just because they're now taking over the planet like the plague doesn't mean I can't enjoy their coffee and spare myself the discomfort of walking that extra half-block in heels to buy a latte that's going to cost as much but taste half as good, does it?? It's 8am and I'm cranky and I know I'm over-thinking this but please, I just want my fucking coffee, sans the guilt trip for being a part of the problem and not the solution.
The barista then actually cracked what in some cultures may have been considered a smile and said, "Sixteen-ounce vanilla latte, coming up."
The music started up again, and I let out a breath. When that latte finally came out ( what - are you growing the vanilla beans?), I promptly got the hell out of there, with the "Starbucks Whore" tattoo on my forehead blazing. The Chihuahua called out after me, "Die yuppie scum!" Or it may have been “Take me with you!” I’m not too sure. I don't actually speak Chihuahuan.
1 comment:
That was hilarious reading. I've had a similar experience in a Cora, WY bar. Ugggh.
And being one of these coffee snobs, I know what you can do to right your situation (if you want to gain acceptance to said shop). Next time, go in and say you want a 500 ml latte. They'll then think you are European and they'll forgive you for your previous choice of words. You'll then have to pretend to be European for the rest of your days, but it's a small price to pay for good coffee. ;-)
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