Lately, various people from my past lives have been resurfacing into the present. Reconnecting with someone means you're suddenly faced with the impossible task of summarizing your experiences since the two of you last spoke. What's even stranger is to see someone out of context; there's a correlation between certain faces and certain surroundings, and when things get a little mixed together, time and distance get a bit lost and your brain can't quite compute.
Throughout my twenties, I've generally picked up every 2-3 years and started anew - because of this, I have pockets of friends in various cities who are all somewhat symbolic of different stages of my life. I know everybody has friends from different periods of life, but I think when you move around a lot, the distinction between your groups of friends and your relationship with them is much clearer. What has really rocked my world is having certain people from all stages of my life resurface NOW of all times, considering the recent madness, as I'm trying to piece Amanda back together again.
I was reunited with an old friend from a previous life last night and nearly burst into tears as there was this sudden, beautiful rush of familiarity - not just in seeing him, but in remembering who I was and where I was when he was a constant in my life. It was amazing. I want to bottle that feeling and store it on a shelf.
Little things like that have been helping me to, slowly but surely, get back to feeling like myself again - or the better version of myself, that is. Friends are good like that - especially those who know you in ways that nobody you meet today or tomorrow will quite grasp. They've seen you change in some ways and stay the same in others. There's power in that. And sometimes there's nothing they even need to do to help you to get a grip on yourself again- just being there as a sort of "souvenir" for where you've been is enough.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
a sort of reawakening
your homecoming will be my homecoming-
my selves go with you, only i remain;
a shadow phantom effigy or seeming
(an almost someone always who's noone)
a noone who, till their and your returning,
spends the forever of his loneliness
dreaming their eyes have opened to your morning
feeling their stars have risen through your skies:
so,in how merciful love's own name, linger
no more than selfless i can quite endure
the absence of that moment when a stranger
takes in his arms my very life who's your
-when all fears hopes beliefs doubts disappear.
Everywhere and joy's perfect wholeness we're
one's not half two. It's two are halves of one:
which halves reintegrating, shall occur
no death and any quantity; but than
all numerable mosts the actual more
minds ignorant of stern miraculous
this every truth-beware of heartless them
(given the scalpel, they dissect a kiss;
or, sold the reason, they undream a dream)
one is the song which friends and angels sing:
all murdering lies by mortals told make two.
Let liars wilt, repaying life they're loaned;
we(by a gift called dying born)must grow
deep in dark least ourselves remembering
love only rides his year.
All lose, whole find
silently if,out of not knowable
night's utmost nothing, wanders a little guess
(only which is this world)more my life does
not leap than with the mystery your smile
sings or if (spiralling as luminous
they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,
less into heaven certainly earth swims
than each my deeper death becomes your kiss
losing through you what seemed myself,i find
selves unimaginably mine, beyond
sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
yours is the darkness of my soul's return
-you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars
e.e.c.
my selves go with you, only i remain;
a shadow phantom effigy or seeming
(an almost someone always who's noone)
a noone who, till their and your returning,
spends the forever of his loneliness
dreaming their eyes have opened to your morning
feeling their stars have risen through your skies:
so,in how merciful love's own name, linger
no more than selfless i can quite endure
the absence of that moment when a stranger
takes in his arms my very life who's your
-when all fears hopes beliefs doubts disappear.
Everywhere and joy's perfect wholeness we're
one's not half two. It's two are halves of one:
which halves reintegrating, shall occur
no death and any quantity; but than
all numerable mosts the actual more
minds ignorant of stern miraculous
this every truth-beware of heartless them
(given the scalpel, they dissect a kiss;
or, sold the reason, they undream a dream)
one is the song which friends and angels sing:
all murdering lies by mortals told make two.
Let liars wilt, repaying life they're loaned;
we(by a gift called dying born)must grow
deep in dark least ourselves remembering
love only rides his year.
All lose, whole find
silently if,out of not knowable
night's utmost nothing, wanders a little guess
(only which is this world)more my life does
not leap than with the mystery your smile
sings or if (spiralling as luminous
they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,
less into heaven certainly earth swims
than each my deeper death becomes your kiss
losing through you what seemed myself,i find
selves unimaginably mine, beyond
sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
yours is the darkness of my soul's return
-you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars
e.e.c.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thoughts for the Week
1) Stella + Vodka + Tequila = Crazy Amanda
2) Connect 4 connects 2 (connects 3?) then disconnects 1 and suddenly, the game is over. I didn't like this fucking game anyway.
3) Everybody has an ugly side. Some people's ugly side is uglier than others, but we've all got it. And it can rear its head at the most inopportune time. The question is: Can we truly expect others to forgive us our ugliness if we refuse to forgive them theirs? When is it time to distance yourself from a "friend" who has suddenly shown a very ugly side? Just how much is forgivable? Yeah, I don't know. That's why I'm asking.
4) David Cook is going to obliterate David Archutah.
5) Trust the universe and don't fight the forces. Either something is going to work or it's not. You have to trust in that or you'll just be beating your head on concrete. Be patient.
6) Patience is a virtue I lack.
7) It's easy to take your rights for granted. You're simply born with the right to do certain things, and it's hard to imagine otherwise. Then, when you see someone else given that right you've always had but taken for granted, you realize just how very blessed you've been over the years. (Happy Day. Let's drink!)
8) I'm still not convinced my phone is working properly.
2) Connect 4 connects 2 (connects 3?) then disconnects 1 and suddenly, the game is over. I didn't like this fucking game anyway.
3) Everybody has an ugly side. Some people's ugly side is uglier than others, but we've all got it. And it can rear its head at the most inopportune time. The question is: Can we truly expect others to forgive us our ugliness if we refuse to forgive them theirs? When is it time to distance yourself from a "friend" who has suddenly shown a very ugly side? Just how much is forgivable? Yeah, I don't know. That's why I'm asking.
4) David Cook is going to obliterate David Archutah.
5) Trust the universe and don't fight the forces. Either something is going to work or it's not. You have to trust in that or you'll just be beating your head on concrete. Be patient.
6) Patience is a virtue I lack.
7) It's easy to take your rights for granted. You're simply born with the right to do certain things, and it's hard to imagine otherwise. Then, when you see someone else given that right you've always had but taken for granted, you realize just how very blessed you've been over the years. (Happy Day. Let's drink!)
8) I'm still not convinced my phone is working properly.