Wasn't Halloween once meant to be scary? Ghosts and ghouls and blood-sucking vampires, right?
Apparently Playboy has bought out the Halloween costume industry. Or so I was lead to believe as I was perusing the racks at the giant Halloween superstore on Market Street tonight, and feeling rather...prudish....
So let's see; I can be a Slutty Devil, Slutty French Maid, Slutty Nurse, Slutty Schoolgirl or....a nun. I guess this is what I get for waiting to the last minute.
"Excuse me, does this outfit come with the implants? No? Damn."
I could go as something hideous and bloody, but who wants to be THAT girl at the party, surrounded by pretty little half-naked bunny rabbits and kitty cats, and blatantly disregarded by every man in the room?
In the fitting rooms, the woman in the next stall over was wailing about how she wouldn't be able to eat the night she wears her pirate costume, which was really just the eye patch and not much else.
I found a fabulous Cleopatra wig, but the outfit to go with it was more or less a tiny strip of fabric that would just barely cover my girl parts, with slits down the sides of the pants for my ass cheeks to peek out and say hello to the world. The sales girl handed this get-up to me with a straight face, even after I'd told her I would want something I could wear to work. Maybe I should have specified what I meant by "work."
Finally I managed to find the least slutty, and yet still at least vaguely feminine, costume possible - save the nun's robe. I paid a small fortune for it then fled the store, leaving behind a gaggle of girls who were moaning over the impossibility of losing ten pounds from their thighs and having it injected into their breasts by Friday.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
We, the People, of New California
Oldie but goodie....
Best of Craigslist:
Dear Red States...
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii,Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States
Best of Craigslist:
Dear Red States...
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii,Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States
Monday, October 13, 2008
keeping tabs
Well, good ole Wyoming and Utah are predictable as ever. It's looking promising overall, though....
Election Update
Stay tuned....
Election Update
Stay tuned....
Sunday, October 12, 2008
work in progress
The new design of this here blog of mine is still a work in progress. I'm aware that the links along the top are all buggered - that's because I ripped this layout off of somebody else - except the heading, that's MINE MINE MINE - and I'm not design-savvy enough to know how to fix it yet. That, and I simply can't be arsed right now.
I realize I have been somewhat MIA recently on account of being here, there and everywhere, not to mention verywasted busy for most of the last three weeks. I'll post about London and Amsterdam and other such mayhem soon (censored version, of course).
In the meantime, enjoy this amusing distraction from the presidential election insanity and dream of happier days gone by (more specifically, the 80's):
I realize I have been somewhat MIA recently on account of being here, there and everywhere, not to mention very
In the meantime, enjoy this amusing distraction from the presidential election insanity and dream of happier days gone by (more specifically, the 80's):
Monday, October 06, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Quote of the Day
This is why I'm concerned for my country:
"A lot of men have fought and died for my right to not give a shit about politics."
-direct from the mouth of my co-worker
"A lot of men have fought and died for my right to not give a shit about politics."
-direct from the mouth of my co-worker